My life has always been kinda of unsettled you know. There is never a calm when everything is going good or even when l can say that l am bored. There is always something going on, something keeping me on my toes or wondering or scheming (in a good way) or trying to find a way to keep up with the craziness that surrounds me. In the past these have been things that were manageable you know, l could handle my life at least somewhat but now l dont know if l am going to be able to keep my head above water any longer.
On Tuesday night while lying in bed and reading up on my roman history when l felt a sharp pain on my right breast, l check to see what was up and l discovered that my breast was a bit swollen. i wouldn't have been alarmed except for the fact that when l kept checking to see what was wrong l noticed a lump.... Yeah there it was, this hard solid undeniable lump.... I could sit here and describe the shock or trauma or emotions l went through but truth be told, l cant. At that very moment in time l went numb, every part of my being just shut down. It was like the world had suddenly become so cold so fast. The funniest part about this is that 15 minutes earlier l had been laughing and giggling with a certain Mr.B. and just enjoying myself and now here l was potentially faced with my own mortality.
Looking back on my week and looking at my life right now l feel like this isn't even my life. It's like someone took bits and pieces of different peoples lives slapped them together and through me in the center and said, "See what you can make of that!" Really its crazy. One minute l am having a wonderful lunch, laughing with friends and helping one of my dear friends to hook up with a guy then the next minute l am in the doctors office and she is telling me she doe not like the way the lump in my breast feels.
How do l do it really, l do l walk put into the world and act like everything is perfect when l am about to break down and cry at any given moment. It's no surprise that l hoping for the best but expecting the worst. The nurse said very few girls my age get breast cancer, "It's only a small percentage!" she said, obviousl she doesn't know that most of the time l do fall into 'the small percentage.'
I'm surprised that l haven't cried yet but l guess me writing this is my way of crying out to the world. A sad, silent cry that will echo on for as long as these word are read....
Oh yah not to mention the fact that l am broke and have no idea how l am going to pay my college tuition...yah it's a wonderful, wonderful life isn't it.
"When faced with your own mortality, your life doesn't flash before your eyes instead you find yourself reaching for the memories you are yet to make."-Me.
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