I hear ice cracking...

So my roommate/best-friend went and got herself a boyfriend that about 3 weeks ago right. As all new relationships go they spent every waking moment together you know she slept over there every single night and all those things that people do when they are in love. I wouldn't have an issue with this but her entire perspective completely changed. She spent time with him and his friends now and if you weren't part of that dynamic then you were out-casted. l have to admit this got to me real bad because l was like hey l have been here for a minute and all of sudden this guy shows up and l get kicked out! I tried talking to her but she would only change for like a day or two and then she is back to the same routine as before. the whole of last week l was feeling really down and alone because a-lot of things were going on with me and she just wasn't there or she would try to fix it with a quick half hearted slack stick solution which just made me feel worse. Finally l had a good talk with one of my other close friends and decided to carve out my own little new routine and expand my friend circle. This worked really well because l am good at that kind of thing and l can adapt to fit the mood if need be. So we decide to have a girls weekend to kind of reconnect you know. The problem with this girls weekend was first off she just spent the whole shopping trip on her phone texting her boyfriend and this just got on my nerves. Luckily l saw this coming and invited a mutual friend to join us so l just reverted my attention to the other girl and proceeded to enjoy my day at the mall. Then we got back and she decides he didn't want to go the play that we were all supposed to go to. I let that off the hook and ended up spending time with one of my other close friends who was sick in bed, it was fun! Then the time came to go partying and she went ahead of us with some other girls, l just followed behind and played it cool. Soon enough she discovered where her bread was buttered because the other girls may be partying with us but the friendship dynamic in that group were very well drawn out, so eventually she came crawling back to me and l was already enjoying the party and having a great time. Anyway after the girls weekend l feel like things between her and her boyfriend have taken a slow turn. She actually slept in the room last night which is something that has not happened in a long time without someone having to ask nicely. I feel a little awkward about the whole situation because l have already carved out a new routine for myself and it involves her not being there mostly. I cant just drop everything and go back to the way things were just because she doesn't have her person anymore. Now she has to start rebuilding what little friendships she still has standing because she isn't spending as much time with her boyfriend anymore and l feel that she is stating to feel a little lonely. In a way l should be sympathetic and accommodative you know but i juts cant do it. The reason for this the fact that l warned her more than once that even though she has a boyfriend she still has to keep in mind her friends because when it all come crashing down you want to have people to catch you. So l guess my word of advice today is the same advice l live on, never ended your friendships for a relationship because l promise you when it all comes tumbling down you will go down to the depths of loneliness and you do not want to be there. As a friend l supported the relationship through and thorough but when my emotions started to be kicked around and sidelined for someone else then it started to get a little too uncomfortable for me. I did not interrupt or ask her to put aside her time with him for me so l feel that the 10 minutes l get in the week should be for me and should not be sidelined for someone else. He gets hours so i think l can get 10 minutes please. So as a friend l hear ice cracking but lm not walking across the ice to save anyone, some lessons just have to be learnt the hard way.

Faced with my own mortality...

My life has always been kinda of unsettled you know. There is never a calm when everything is going good or even when l can say that l am bored. There is always something going on, something keeping me on my toes or wondering or scheming (in a good way) or trying to find a way to keep up with the craziness that surrounds me. In the past these have been things that were manageable you know, l could handle my life at least somewhat but now l dont know if l am going to be able to keep my head above water any longer.



On Tuesday night while lying in bed and reading up on my roman history when l felt a sharp pain on my right breast, l check to see what was up and l discovered that my breast was a bit swollen. i wouldn't have been alarmed except for the fact that when l kept checking to see what was wrong l noticed a lump.... Yeah there it was, this hard solid undeniable lump.... I could sit here and describe the shock or trauma or emotions l went through but truth be told, l cant. At that very moment in time l went numb, every part of my being just shut down. It was like the world had suddenly become so cold so fast. The funniest part about this is that 15 minutes earlier l had been laughing and giggling with a certain Mr.B. and just enjoying myself and now here l was potentially faced with my own mortality.



Looking back on my week and looking at my life right now l feel like this isn't even my life. It's like someone took bits and pieces of different peoples lives slapped them together and through me in the center and said, "See what you can make of that!" Really its crazy. One minute l am having a wonderful lunch, laughing with friends and helping one of my dear friends to hook up with a guy then the next minute l am in the doctors office and she is telling me she doe not like the way the lump in my breast feels.



How do l do it really, l do l walk put into the world and act like everything is perfect when l am about to break down and cry at any given moment. It's no surprise that l hoping for the best but expecting the worst. The nurse said very few girls my age get breast cancer, "It's only a small percentage!" she said, obviousl she doesn't know that most of the time l do fall into 'the small percentage.'



I'm surprised that l haven't cried yet but l guess me writing this is my way of crying out to the world. A sad, silent cry that will echo on for as long as these word are read....



Oh yah not to mention the fact that l am broke and have no idea how l am going to pay my college tuition...yah it's a wonderful, wonderful life isn't it.



"When faced with your own mortality, your life doesn't flash before your eyes instead you find yourself reaching for the memories you are yet to make."-Me.